


The Hole in My Heart

by TwilightLegacy13



Category: The Shattered Realms Series - Cinda Williams Chima
Genre: Angst, Deathcaster, M/M, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightLegacy13/pseuds/TwilightLegacy13
Summary: A one-shot of Destin's POV in Deathcaster when Lila tells him that Evan is dead, as well as a brief scene after.  This is pure angst and it was painful to write.  Note:  the dialogue between Lila and Destin is from Deathcaster by Cinda Williams Chima, but everything else is entirely my own writing.
Relationships: Destin Karn/Evan Strangward
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	The Hole in My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> It hurt me to write this, it really did. Still, I'm proud of it and I hope I did a good job of writing Destin's POV (this is my first fic for the Shattered Realms series). I hope you like it!
> 
> Content warnings: Presumed death, grief, guilt and misplaced self-blame.

Rain lashed at the windows, a stark contrast to the fair weather from just an hour ago. It had come with a change in the wind, a chill in the air from the mountains that brought with it steady downpours beneath a gray sky. It seemed an apt metaphor, Destin Karn considered, for this conversation with Lila Barrowhill. For having learned what he had wanted to know about Finn and Lord Vega, he was still no closer to accomplishing his goal.

Lila was looking just as frustrated with the lack of progress, shrugging her shoulders in exasperation - though over his incessant questions or feeling helpless about the situation, he had no idea. It was strange to see her like this. She normally maintained a firm reputation of carelessness, but it was easy to tell that the politics of Fellsmarch were truly starting to matter to her. It was a mystery Destin was eager to solve.

"So Finn and DeVilliers were the only survivors from _Sea Wolf_ ," he said to redirect the conversation. He had to strategize, to make a plan that would salvage what had happened at that wreckage of a wedding.

"Right," Lila answered, her hands cold beneath his. He made a habit of questioning her with persuasion when he really needed to know something - in addition to being careless, she had a reputation as a liar. "Adrian, Talbot, and Strangward were lost and presumed dead."

It took him longer than it should have to process the third name, and when he finally did, he reacted without thinking. "Wait, what? _Evan Strangward_ was with them?"

"The Carthian pirate, remember?" she asked with a nod in response to his question. "Strangward had been here, trying to convince the queen and her council that Celestine meant to invade the Realms. It wasn't until she actually won Chalk Cliffs that they took him seriously. When the prince proposed a mission to rescue Princess Alyssa, Strangward volunteered to serve as pilot."

_Blood of the martyrs._

"And Finn killed them?" Destin swallowed hard, trying to keep the waver out of his voice. Trying to hide the burning in his throat and the sudden weight pressing down on his lungs. "He killed all of them?"

"They could be alive, like I said. Talk to DeVilliers. She might be able to tell you more." But a single look at Lila's face said she wasn't at all optimistic.

_Strangward._

_Lost._

_Presumed dead._

Dozens of images crashed into his mind, memories of the months he had spent with his mother and Evan on the coast of Carthis, living in a waterfront cottage beside the barn they'd built together. Destin giving the manuscripts to Evan and showing him how to use magic, his face flushing with an unfamiliar feeling when the pirate gripped Destin's amulet and flooded it with power of his own. The happy days of them building a ship together, and the embarrassment mingled with an odd pleasure that Destin felt when Evan insisted on naming the ketch after him. The journey where Destin had shared everything about his past and the general, where Evan hadn't turned away from him because of what he had done, where they had kissed.

With a jolt, he remembered the day not too long ago when he had pretended to use persuasion on Evan in Ardenscourt, while he was under the pretense of being a Carthian emissary. Destin had held onto his hands for a fraction of a second longer than was necessary, feeling the familiar roughness of calluses against his own smooth fingers, tightening his grip as he prolonged the moment until he had to let go. Now he wished he had held on longer.

He didn't realize that he had tightened his grasp on Lila's hands until she protested. "Ow! Ease off, Karn, you're going to break my bones."

Destin let go and closed his eyes, overcome by the feeling of being hollowed out inside. The confident Stormcaster of the Indio was gone, lost to sea, drowned. It was like a cruel joke.

Would he be a fool if he admitted that he had hoped to see Evan again? That some part of him had never let go of the only boy who had ever made him laugh? For all of his cynical claims, it seemed that he was no less optimistic than the pirate.

 _It will get you killed...it will break your heart_ , Destin had wanted to warn Evan after the kiss, knowing that to trust a person like himself was to invite nothing but pain into your life. _It will break your heart._ If that was true, then why did he feel like the one who had been broken? He hadn't thought it was possible to be this empty over a single death, something that he caused so often.

His throat ached and tears prickled at his eyes. He had been honed to withstand almost any physical wound, to be dealt blows without a wince, but nothing the general did to him had prepared him for this crushing sensation that stifled his lungs and made it hard to breathe. Something that felt like what he expected grief to be.

Lila was talking, saying something to him, but Destin was barely listening. Only when he realized that she might expect an answer did he make an effort to pay attention to her. Something about it being a shame that Finn and Vega were dead because they needed answers.

"Vega's not dead." Blood of the martyrs, was that his voice? He normally spoke calmly, confidently, like the spymaster he was. Now he sounded like a lost and scared thing. Opening his eyes and looking directly at Lila, he mumbled an explanation for him having imprisoned Vega at the same time he detained Hadley DeVilliers and Shadow Dancer. He wasn't focusing on his own words. The back of his mind, ever a strategist, was already trying to come up with a plan. The other part of his mind felt suffocated by the memories, like he was the one who had drowned.

Maybe she said something else to him then, but he didn't know. It was the little things he could concentrate on - the steady tapping of rain against the windowpane, his own almost mechanical blinking, the sensation of his eyes repetitively closing and then opening again with wet lashes. He had to think. He had to plan. If he didn't, then he would think too much about Evan, and if he thought too much about Evan, he didn't trust himself not to break down completely.

"That churchman who presided over the wedding - Jemson, I think his name was. Do you know him?" Destin asked slowly, an idea beginning to form. Very little evidence supported the idea that Finn would commit such an extreme betrayal by himself. If both Finn and the healer were religious, then maybe it was a speaker that they needed.

"Not well," Lila answered, looking at him strangely. "He's on the queen's council. But I've heard nothing but good about him. He's not a celebrant in the Malthusian church, but - "

"Good," Destin cut in. The last thing he needed right now was more Darians.

"People talk about him like he's practically a saint of the Old Church."

"That might be exactly what I need," he said, fully aware that he sounded insane. Maybe he was. "A saint."

Lila raised her eyebrows. "I think Jemson would be the one to go to if you're looking for spiritual counseling."

"No doubt I'm in dire need of spiritual counseling," Destin told her, and it was true. "Right now I'm looking for someone who can handle an exorcism."

Despite what he'd told Lila, Destin didn't immediately go to find Speaker Jemson to ask about the exorcism. Instead he left the palace and stepped into the pouring rain, not bothering to wear a cloak. He needed to be alone.

By the time he was far enough away from the entrance but still within the castle close, he was by himself and there were tears streaming down his face. His breaths were coming in shuddering gasps as he stumbled on aimlessly with no direction in mind.

Before long, his vision was so blurred that he couldn't see where he was going, so he stopped walking and leaned against the wall of the castle. No guards patrolled such a remote area with no entrances, and he was alone with his own private struggle and pain.

Destin knew that Lila would have questions about his reaction to what she had said in her room, but at the moment he didn't care. Showing such weakness was just as unlike him as crying, but he couldn't stop. If Destin hadn't sent that message to Evan and asked him to pose as the emissary back in Ardenscourt, then the pirate would never have gone north to Fellsmarch. If he had never gone to Fellsmarch, then he wouldn't have joined the mission on the _Sea Wolf_. He would still be alive.

It cut even deeper because no part of Evan deserved it. He had been an innocent boy, targeted by so many people and he still held onto his hope. He never let go of his way of seeing the world as a place that could be beautiful. Celestine and her bloodsworn had done so much to try, but the light had never gone out from behind those sea green eyes. Evan was everything that was good, everything that was perfect, and he was the one lost beneath the waves. It wasn't fair. Why did the ruthless ones live while the ones most worthy of life were the ones who died?

His rapidly falling tears mingled with the rain. Destin didn't bother trying to dry his face because his sleeve was soaked through, and in this weather there was no point.

 _Love is the one weapon you cannot conquer_ , Evan had said with a teasing smile once Destin stopped himself from kissing the pirate any longer. _It leaves you helpless._

_Maybe it does._

_Maybe it did._

"Pirate...." His voice was hoarse, barely a whisper, but he hoped that somewhere, Evan could hear it. As it was, they had lost any chance at a goodbye. "I n-never thought I would lose you. I thought we would somehow make it out alive. Together." He drew in a shallow breath. "I said once that you were too romantic. I-I suppose I was too."

How could this have happened? Evan was always so resourceful. He had been the kind of person who could survive anything simply because he didn't want to die.

Destin was beginning to shiver from the raw wind coming off the mountains, but it was his own fault for not bringing a cloak. He was too focused on Evan Strangward, because yet again, death had followed Destin to the people in his vicinity, but this time it wasn't a stranger.

This time it was Evan.

He didn't know how long he stood there, his shoulders trembling in silent sobs that weren't at all typical of him that he couldn't choke back. The boy who had trusted him with his life, the boy he had trusted with his in return, was gone. Forever.

Under most circumstances, Destin would have his revenge on the people who did it. _But Evan wouldn't want that. You know he wouldn't._

Justice it would have to be then, because while Finn might have physically sunk the ship, he clearly hadn't been in his right mind. There had been something, or rather someone, controlling his actions. And if anyone could help with a matter of religion, it was Speaker Jemson.

Destin turned around, blinking rapidly to stop himself from crying again, and unsteadily made his way to where the speaker would be. The rain was only intensifying and he could have sworn the air was growing colder, if anything. By the time he reached the door, no part of him was dry and his whole body was shaking, though he didn't think that was just from the cold.

When he knocked on the door, his mind felt oddly weightless and somehow just as shattered as his heart - but, Destin thought, some things didn't change.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated if you enjoyed it! You can find me on Tumblr at @twilightlegacy13.


End file.
